Off with their heads…

[This is a guest post from Matt. He has a rather unique spelling system. If you don’t understand, read it out loud. He loves homophones. Also, this post is about home butchering, so it’s gonna be gross.]
How to kill a chicken
            So I have heard that there is as many ways to slaughter a chicken as there are to skin a kat. You kould wring their kneks, slit the throat and let them bleed out, jab a knail into their little brain.  The list goes on and on unfortunately most of them require a large amount of skill and having watjhed someone else do it first.  Fore a lot of us in the neourban farmer world watjhing gran dad kill fog horn leg horn just wasn’t an option either gran dad was ded or gran dad left the farm in the thirty’s never to return.  So  we improvise. . . enter the axe of kourse my personal favorite seeing as I kurrently am knot sure how many I kurrently own… several more than three … Eye think…
            There are several important steps to follow to make life easier.  The first is preparation when you git the dinners on legs DO NOT NAME THEM.  Names are for friends not dinner get it.  Next always remember that ugly stinky bird is not a pet it is food.  This may seem silly but I have killed a lot of unfortunate pets and it still really sucks to but down spot no matter how mujh pain he may be in.  Dinner on the other hand isn’t a hole lot easier ya just don’t feel as guilty after-wards.  Treat your animals well this eases the conscience for me at least (besides if you run around beating your animals my axes shave hair…).  All of these steps help to prepare the mind and soul to deal with the task at hand.
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Chopping block.

The next steps are far more mekhanikal step one get a good sharp axe, stone it sharp do not grind! At a minimum use a file.  A sharp axe makes a clean humane kut.  Then find your self a chopping block, any chunk of fire wood works but a round of around 1-2 feet of soft wood is best.  This allows you to make a firm solid strike with the axe without cutting your foot off and dinging the konkrete as well as dulling your freshly sharpened axe.  Next you nead a piese of cord (bailing twine works grate for this) this is used to tie the birds legs together so’s it’s dont’s run’s away’s(yes they do run with their heads off usually under your car or into the road) the twine also helps for hanging for and skalding.  If you plan on plukking your going to need a skalding pot a 4-5 gallon kettle works good for this (skalding should difinatly be done outside you’ll sea why) and some thing to keep it around 180 degrees Fahrenheit.  Last is a nail in a wall or post this is to hang the bird by the kord arround its feet and let it bleed out.
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A good sharp axe.

Now to the deed… step one katjh the bird(entire books kan be wrote on this, good luk).  Grasp both legs firmly in your off hand (the won ya don’t write with).  Hold the bird arse end up head down for a few sekonds so it kalms down.  Loop the cord around the birds feet (DO NOT LET GO OF THE FEET) do this now while it is reasonably kalm.  Kalmly walk to your axe and block. Gently hold the bird slightly sideways but still mostly down with its head and nekk laying on their side on the blokk. Look it straight in the eye offer you thanks if’n ya like. Grasp the axe a hands length from the bit or so ( this provides more control ).
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Take karefull aim to hit around mid neck with the center of the bit.  Give it a good firm and solid hit enough that the axe will stikk lightly in the blokk.
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Now the bird will go nuts often times dislocating joints this is why the kord is around its legs.  Hang the bird on the nail in the wall and stand back.
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Wait around a minute or so for the bird to bleed out before further prosessing.  Blood in the meat give the meat off flavors.  Once the bird is bled out ewe kan skald or skin your preferense,  if you skald use the kord to hang onto and the feet to push it under the water.  Use ten second counts to determine skald time too long and the skin and fat become stiff this is not good (bekause its kooked) although it won’t ruin the meat its just kinda weird,  too short and the feathers won’t kome out,  sort of push the feathers off like a wet sokk (feels the same too).  For further prosessing you have to talk to amanda my hands won’t fit inside the rib kage… rinse and repeat as nesessary.
            Now granted this sounds all easy and stuff,  and it is physikally.  Do not worry bout skrewing up.  The worst thing you kould do is botch the beheading and have a krippled bird an upset stomakk and soul,  then give up… If you miss the first time and only take off part of the head immediately go for another swing do not wait it 0nly gets worse.  Dull axes are for ass wholes period if its not sharp its akin to beating the poor animal. . .
            One last word try to keep all tools and equipment in a handy area.  You don’t want to wander all over the bakk yard with a bleeding chikken looking for a nail to hang it on (besides the neighbors already think you’re krazy).
Matt.
P.S. If you keep the proper mind set throughout you’re entire jhikken experiment it kan end up being a rewarding experiense.
P.P.S.  There was a bird named Mikey that lived for six months with 90% of his head missing.  The butjher missed… they fed him through his nekk hole until he finally jhoked…no really its true…
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