The seven plagues of western Washington


These plagues signal not the end times but merely marketh the turning of the wheel of the year in this kingdom between the Cascades and the Pacific. Mark ye well!

  1. The Plague of Cottonwood Fluff and Pollens of all Plants – Yea and it shall snow in the spring and the snow shall accumulate in all nooks and crannies of the known world and if thou hast allergies the pollen shall maketh thine eyes burn like coals and thine nose stream like a river and the pharmacy shall not have on stock thine preferred medication and thou shalt have to drive to Lynnwood (and also present thine ID and purchase but one box, lest thou hast plans to make meth).
  2. The Plague of Children on Summer Break – They shall scream bloody murder during thy Sunday afternoon nap, though they be unhurt and without even fright. They shall screech upon whistles and blat upon vuvuzelas long after sundown when thy rest is needed for thine workday ahead. They shall assemble in the streets of thine development and dance without fear before thine approaching vehicle. They shall take up every available computer at the library to play Birds of Anger or Village of Farm or whatever in the name of God Most Merciful they play these days when they should be doing some chores or reading a book or just staying the hell our of thine way for the love of contraception. Thou shallt pray for the return of the yellow leviathans which come in the fall to lay waste to thy hopes of reaching thine destination on time.
  3. The Plague of River Swimmers – Drive ye not near cooling bodies of water when the ambient temperature ascends above seventy degrees Fahrenheit! Avoideth the rowdy, bawdy, congregations of mostly-naked, pink-fleshed people parked with at least one wheel over the fogline, respecting no signs which sayteth unto them that there be No Parking or No Swimming or No Jumping From The Bridge at any time. Neither do they respect their turn signals or side mirrors and they shall cut thee off on a road allowing up to 35 miles per hour travel at but fifteen miles per hour for all of fifty feet before very slowly driving into another parked vehicle and setting off its alarm, which shall sound unceasingly until it exhausteth the battery and its owner cannot fetch further Animal Beer to quench his or her thirst for perpetual public drunkenness.
  4. The Plague of Road Construction – Though ye check the website and the Twitter and the news every morn before ye leave thine dwelling it shall spring upon the roads and upset thine commute without warning or reason. The asphalt of the ancients, cracked and pitted and unfit for on-road vehicles shall be spared. But the innocent roads – the smooth and blemish-free roads – shall be rent asunder and relaid without need, and, indeed, without haste. You shall stew in thine car and the asphalt smell shall give unto thee a headache and the AC in your car shall fail and your boss shall ask of thee “Why are ye so [blasphemous expletive] late and why dost thou look like the excrement of a donkey?”
  5. The Plague of Free Zucchini – In the autumn of the year it shall appear unbidden upon thine porch in plastic bags. It shall appear upon the sidewalk in cardboard boxes enscribed “FREE.” It shall even appear in thine own vehicle if thou dost not roll down thine windows at night. It shall appear in devious forms, disguised as delicious poundcakes and sweetbreads. And, at last, it shall appear in dark weeping blotches upon the pavement as the children hurl it from their bicycles and cars smash it into the oblivion from whence it came and annually doth return.
  6. The Plague of Candidate Signage – The signs, being some as small as one cubit tall and some as large as four or even five cubits tall shall erupt from the ground like terrible mushrooms and shall dot the landscape. They shall be red and white and blue and ugly and useless. They shall block thine visibility at intersections and they shall besmirch the lawns of neighbors with whom thou once felt kinship. They are the early heralds of an annual farce and yet long after the farce they persist, though there be laws requiring their removal after the people cast their votes, yet they shall remain until they are forcibly removed and strewn into the streets to deflate thine tires and, at last, to be gathered together by gangs of angry teenagers on probation and stuffed into garbage bags (which they shall pierce with their pointy bits) and they shall remain in these bags on the verges of the thoroughfares until the snow comes.
  7. The Plague of Precipitation – The rain shall fall.  And fall and fall and fall. The rain shall not cease from October to April at the very least, and likely it shall start much sooner and last much longer and the summer shall, in fact, be relegated to just a week in late July, if that.

— Amanda

Postscript: If thou hast a wish to tell me that my wordings are historically inaccurate be ye warned! I shall respond only by redirecting thee to this link!


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